Survivor V : Update
Is that fish I smell, or are you just happy to see me?
Wherein the amazing capability of human beings to be drastically more idiotic than you ever imagined is explored. This season is boring... do you freaking hear me? I SAID BORING!! Stick a fork in these guys... they are done. No really... get a bunch of forks and poke these bastards... over and over and over... oh, the show... er...
Epi Quick Hit : The Show in 100 words or less... or more.. or whatever!
Scene one, act one... the chickens... Steph and Jake do the nasty ... um, killing the chicken that is... and then we switch to a really ugly half naked cartoon dude... oh, wait, I leaned on the remote ... that was King of the Hill. The Sookies kill, boil and consume a chicken, and Jar Jar reminds us of what a backwoods dick he is (big surprise). Fortunately we get to see him (skaterboy) get injured (biggest laugh of the night). The losers at Chewing Gum can’t fish for shit, which is fine, ‘cause they (wait for it...) lose their freaking boat... THE BOAT. I expected to see Dom Jeff in there kicking the crap out of them. They reward with an auction for food... and they go for immunity with a retarded fish sorting deal. Naked Firefighter girl gets chucked over the cliffs of despair and has more class than most on her exit speech.
The Darwin Moment!
Ok... Porno boy and Theo-the-crotch-monster go for a fishing trip. Video of the sea teaming with Fish and then switch out to these total morons sitting in their boat saying "here fishie... here fishie" (would you like fries with that?). Any ways, they return to shore after talking turkey about a mutual admiration alliance we catch hard core video of Ted tying the boat to a stake... which is more like "we see him hang a loop of scratchy nylon rope over a short stick wedged between two rocks. After the Sookies lost their net I figured I’d seen it all... but these Chewing Gum half wits just totally take the prize as they wake up the next day to see that their boat "ol’betsy" has done-floated-away. How is it possible that they all didn’t just dive on Ted and kick the absolute piss out of him? You could tell - no question - that ol’Bilbo wanted to big time. I though for sure Katie Clip-Board would at least kick him... but no, Helen and the rest just suck it up and go about the mile long swim to get fresh water.
"her eating habits are just repulsive!" um yeah right. This is Jar Jar talking about Crouching Tiger eating more of the Chicken than the breasts... ok, yuck she does in the giblets but still... dude... 15 days with nothing to eat and you are complaining about her eating with her fingers and eating a meaty chicken neck. Meanwhile, Robs body is consuming itself through an interesting quirk of the human metabolism. I’m waiting for the "last laugh" moment of him passed out on the jungle floor.
Ted: "Here fishie... here fishie..." (no explanation required!)
Jeff: "You’re debating this while eating baked grubs?" Where does he find the restraint? They must have to shoot Jeff up with Demerol every time he goes to talk to these guys. It’s at the Reward Challenge food auction and the Sookies are dealing with a mystery meal (the grubs) and debating about how much to bid on a vat of spaghetti.
Rob (Jar Jar) just cannot let up... he’s got a hate on for Shi Ann (Crouching Tiger) and comments "who the hell would take her home?". This was brought on because she eats food with her hands... um... and Rob’s using... the silverware? I wish she (Shi Ann) would just ram her fingers into his eye sockets... then she could pull out his rabbit pellet sized brain and show everyone.
More Rob! "You get on my nerves. I don’t like being around you." Then immediately follows up with "it’s nothing personal." as he votes to toss her off the island. So what exactly would be personal?
And the capper!!! Rob, from a next week preview "I am not fucking stupid." Obviously, he falls into some kind of a wild delusional state.
Most Memorable Moment
No thinking required here... easy choice. We are given what looks like it's gonna be some eye candy 'cause the camera is taking in boobie girls scantily clad ass cheeks as she, Jake and mini-me (penny) follow Jar Jar into the surf for some play time. As the three of them stand waist deep in the water you see Rob, off a bit to one side, scream out and dive into a wave. They heard him... they did not react. He emerges again, screaming agony and flailing about... they see him... they do not react. It was fucking priceless. He's gone and got his heel bit by a sting ray or something and he hobbles out of the water to lay, bleeding, on the beach... more on that later... but for now, the image of them ignoring him is burned into my brain.
Ok I’ve had it... If it wasn’t so much fun dissing these id-jutz I think I’d have switched this show off! Bilbo (Clay) is a raging chauvinist and has no concept of the issue. In his frustration with Ted over the boat, he redirects his anger at Jan, the 300 year old bag lady that made it onto the show by wooing all the casting directors with her shapely GIANT ass... and he makes a big deal out of deriding her character (hahaha... ok ok ... sorry) and commenting that her number is up on several occasions - fo course, she voted to fry his itty bitty little furry feet last week so, go figure.
The kids at Camp Chewing Gum are riding the rails now... it’s down to Helen, Jan, Bilbo, Theo and Porno-boy. Brian (porno) is the only actual human in the group... the rest are characters from a Terry Brooks novel. They manage to pull off a wee bit of spirit by singing Christmas carols ... while the boat floats away. This is "survivor", as in, try to survive... and ya lost the boat. Oh my god, can you please line up to the left for the big L tattoo.
Jan is looking mighty frail, Helen is a ball of stress and Bilbo is just a little doof. Now as for Ted and Brian... well, if you watch close after they win the immunity challenge (saving Jan from the fire) Ted gives Brian a little sweet kiss on the cheek. Yo! I’m just say’en... well, basically, I’m hoping for some video of Brian screaming on the beach beating trees after Night Stick boy does a little more grinding... you know he wants to. :D
Shi Ann, the only realist in the viper pit is on her last legs... they have to merge or something, else-wise she will be gone next time they vote. I mean, sure, eating the heart of the chicken while the drive-through-crew watches was prol’y hard for them... but suck it up yo!... you were eating Baked Grubs a day later, um... with your fingers.
Now Rob... Jar Jar... Skaterboy... he of the oh-so-little-brain, was prol’y gelded at some point or at least should be to ensure that procreation never actually happens with this guy. He’s lying on the beach after getting his foot bit by the sting ray (hola, white boy? Put some shoes on.) He’s going on and on about the pain, while Shi Ann earns his unending admiration - not - by trying to comfort him, although she is totally diss’en him out about what a wuss he is acting like... I was waiting for footage of him crying. They must have cut that. :D
Any ways they are all sleeping on the beach now (nice house ya built there) and while Jake recognizes the value she brought to their weenie tribe, Stephs example only leads them to vote her once-naked-in-the-surf ass off the island. Oh, and she did manage to clear a couple of days with being all nice to the ingrates... (how many times has she brought food to them?) Now it’s up to Erin (boobie girl) and Penny (mini-me) to earn kick these guys around. Of course, now that Steph is gone... they have no chance of getting another actual meal so, please, let the real suffering begin.
The reward challenge was the typical production-company-feeling-sorry-for-the
The only actually memorable part of this challenge though, is when the Chewies get the tree mail announcing the deal. Everyone is out trying to fish (unsuccessfully, I might add) and Jan gets the mail. She’s waving the cash around on the beach and doing a pretty good impersonation of a Geriatric Patient on Day Leave to an Atlantic City nickel slot casino.
Dom Jeff tries to lure the gang into something useful. A new twist is handed out but totally burns on the gang. He asks them to consider their answers and then, in front of each other, decide if they would (as individuals) like to switch tribes. We get the lead in for Crouching Tiger and Steph but both demure... surprisingly. They both should have jumped from that ship of fools.
Ok... what’s the problem? Is the creative department at camp Survivor a bunch of burt out crack whores? Two big vats of fish... quick now! Separate the fish into some basins. Wooohooo... the thrills were a coming at us a mile a minute. Um... I could do without seeing the gang running around with silver fish - the whole almost live fish - stuffed in their mouths. It was lame - the whole show was lame - and in the end Chewing Gum wins the day. This is where we get to see Theo-Doric-of-York give Brian-porno-boy a little kiss on the furry cheek.
Nothing but crap falls out of Jar Jar every time he opens his mouth. The preview gives us a taste of it, but even before that was shown, I was pretty sure that his acidic nature would be getting him in some heat. (we see Ken-the-cop going toe to toe with Jar Jar in some kind of argument - yeah!!).
Note: Ted, the idiot with the night-stick that lost the boat is pretty high up on the "evil do’er" thing... but that’s mostly due to stupidity so... whaddeva.
Um... boobie girl and her tiny little bikini are working... but most of her is off in private collections with the editors ‘cause she’s still not garnering much more that a moment per show. They keep giving us plenty of Penny... how looks pretty much like a fully erect penis would snap her in half so, if you’re into that... mmmk.
Porno boy gets all the lingering camera moments over in Chewing Gum land, but with Jans enormous old lady ass (starts somewhere between her shoulder blades and continues down to her calves) as the only alternative, who can blame them.
Well, Ted and Porno boy have each others back... all night-stick-grinding jokes aside. "You got my word, I swear on my daughter." Or so says Ted in his pledge to "go the distance" with porno-boy. Now lets watch as he goes back on that deal.
The Out House
Sookie landed at the cliffs edge tonight and they tossed Steph over the edge... ok. On route they managed to run up Shi Ann’s vote count in a close second place. So she’s feeling the love now. (bet she’s real happy she didn’t jump ship when she had the chance... Not!)
~ at the end... when Jeff says "ok, grab your torches and head back to camp." I swear his face looked like it wanted to say "Get out of my sight, you disgust me!".
~ Please please let Ken kick the shit out of Rob. Come on Ken ...