Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless
corto

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S5 Update!!!


Survivor V : Update


Look I'm Woody... Howdy Howdy Howdy




Wherein any lingering doubts that anyone had about the collective intelligence of the assembled castaways are put aside as clarity is firmly lent to the notion that they would all be stuck forever trying to interpret the instruction "pull" on a door. Oh, and we are well entertained in the process.



Epi Quick Hit : The Show in 100 words or less... or more.. or whatever!
The gang at Camp Chewing Gum manages to win something but still finds the time to ramp up a forgotten script from The Days Of Our Lives. Ghandia lives up to my day one prediction that she has "issues"... big time, with a complete melt down over a slight, er bulge in the spoon. They tag the reward and get coddled by a couple of Thai Red Berets thanks to an explosion of testosterone on the other tam and they win immunity on the strength of how sick and tired the kids at Sooki Land are with Jed-the-boy-without-a-brain. He pays the ultimate price for his inability to capitalize on having opposable thumbs.

The Darwin Moment!
Geez... there were soooo many! but I only have a little space...
1. um... he apologized.... You accepted it... move on.
2. Ok, the idiots at Sooki lost the freaking net. Remember the reward challenge last week... they won the fishing supplies? Well, ignoring the fact that they are like a bunch of monkeys that found an electric can opener with the big fishing net, they go so far as to forget about moving it to safety before nightfall and wake up to find it gone. The camera lingers on the net floating in the surf just a few feet beyond the area actually searched by the idiots.
3. Jar Jar... upon noting a teammates disqualification from a game, throws both hands up in a double fuck finger thing... um... Ok, so I’m thinking that the gang in the production camp are just dying for this guy to get tossed so they can give him the bitch slapping he deserves and maybe fit him with a vinal full-head mask equipped with a bung hole for ... um ... drinking.

Best Quotes
Crouching Tiger "Look at me!!! I’m Ally McBeal size here..." Yessiri, the Sookies are hurting for nourishment big time.

Crouching Tiger "Rob, idiot that he is... there is no way a logical thought goes through his mind." Bwaaahahahaha

Jar Jar: "I want to spit in his face... that backwoods hick." Skaterboy’s cerebral response to being beat by Bilbo’s team in the Reward Challenge... (Robs referring to Clay here... and he goes on to do a crummy take-off on Clays voice... while his team mates go a bit silent watching his outburst) I mean.. "spit in his face"... doooode.

"The whole story is coming out ... the only part I think I left out was that he apologized." Yeah... what about the part where you accepted that apology you dumb cunt. Yeah... this was Ghandi talking about her Fish story...

Boobie Girl (Erin): "We actually hope we lose... we’re ready to lose some people." Careful what ya wish for there sugar.

Most Memorable Moment
It’s fun when you see the last bits of a façade fall away and a complete wack-job is revealed in all his or her glory... Ghandi going ape shit wanky on the beach ... the Ghandi Howl... was great. Somebody please tattoo "issues" on this girls forehead.

Note: during the reward challenge... watching Big Ted do a head butt into Jar Jar’s nutz was right up there in the memorable moments list.

Reward Challenge
So I wonder who said "I wish we could set up something where the losers all had to rip each other off AND try to beat each other up. That’d be great." Because I’m thinking Dom Jeff gave that guy a raise and set the Survivor Beavers on building this competition. Run around a floating bamboo course and snag supplies from the opponents boat (at one end of the course) and get it back to your own boat. Oh and in the middle is an attack zone. If opposing forces meet ON the attack zone they may do battle. This, of course, becomes the central construct of a wining strategy. Unfortunately for the testosterone crew at Sookie land this "attack zone" becomes the "disqualification zone". Starting with Cop Ken grabbing a perp from outside the zone (and getting the boot for his effort)... then it’s Jar Jar – who does the exact same thing. Then, after Steph (the naked firefighter chick that’s still sleeping on the beach in the rain) falls in the water she reaches up from the drink to pull someone else off... totally NOT in the attack zone... so she’s fried as well. Of course, not to be outdone, Jed wades in with a big gulp of stupid grabbing at someone’s throat from OUTSIDE the zone... gone. That puts four Sookies on the bench, and Chewing Gum walks to victory.

The prize? Two Thailand Special Forces Red Beret soldiers (think Green Beret, except a whole lot shorter). Jeff most likely saw these guys foraging back at base camp and offered ‘em 18 Hershey bars to spend two days with the hungry white folk. These guys were going at it like gang busters... showing the gang what’s edible, making toilettes, making stuff out of whatever was lying around... These soldiers knew their shit huge although they had to endure the freak out with Ghandia...

Immunity Challenge
Ok... so the Sookies are hard core sick of Jed being a dick... and he... well, he doesn’t even seem to get it. The teams go into this logic puzzle game moving this little jenga tower from one platform to another following some rules like "one piece at a time, smaller pieces on bigger pieces only" etc. The Sookies let Jed run the show... and he does... run’s it right into the ground. He gets totally lost in his effort and the old timers over at Chewing Gum bang their drum ... er.. they win and walk with the immunity idol.

Chewing Gum
Ok this is the land that fun forgot. They have it all... and have it in spades thanks to the reward challenge... but there’s no time to enjoy it. Why? Well because the bunch of them are total morons thats why. First of all we get video moment of them all getting up and ready for a day on Survivor... you’d think it was a screen test for the original Cocoon movie... a bunch of old hens doing little miniature aerobic exercises... but the best part is Ghandi. She was missing her husband... so of course, she snuggles up to Giant Theodore. She’s all huggen him... Remember she had her hand on his thigh last week?? Then she gets a night of spoon time with him. Well apparently his spoon developed a bit of a bulge and when she realized that was his night-stick talking to her ample butt crack she goes a bit mental.

She calls him on it... and he is right up there with "oh wow... well, in my sleep I guess I was feeling the vibe and let my self think you was my wife. But I stopped as soon as you woke me up ..." and then he goes on to apologize his head off... Although she is kinda in control of her OWN FUCKING ASS CHEEKS... It’s not like he was holding her there and forcing her to let him buff his woody on her... What The Fuck???

Well she accepts his apology and life moves on. Or so we think... but no... Ghandi goes and starts playing Telephone. Tells the story to the gang one little bit at a time and now she’s got the fish up to about 10 lbs... with Ted biting her and kissing her... Whatever... She goes whack completely. We have her bellowing at the palm fronds on the beach and punching a sixteen ton tree trunk. Yo! Ghandi-girl... you gonna hurt that self of yours. No, hear me on this... she loses it.

Dude is totally not down with this and Ted calls a Camp Chewing Gum group grope ...er, group meeting. He admits that he got a little night time wood in her butt crack ... cause she was putt’en her butt crack in the line of fire... and he denies the whole biting, kissing thing. This is all there is to their show for the night.

Sookie
It’s the losers being busy losing. They’re getting hungry... they can’t catch shit with their fishing gear and they have no concept of the vegetation being edible. Note to Sookie... there are no drive through windows on the Island. The knuckle-draggers (Ken and Jar Jar ... um... and Steph too) lose it in the Reward competition and, as we all now know, Jed losing the whole deal in the Immunity challenge... Nope... there is no joy in Mudville tonight. And it’s seriously mud-ville. Their shelter is the shits and they have no food. Sheeet, they even misplaced their fishing net... hahahaha... If it wasn’t for Crouching Tiger and Boobie girl their team would have intrinsic value. Tiger is good for sound bits by the way... Boobie girl is good for... well, what ever.

Evil Do'er
Well it ain’t Ted. If you are buying Ghandi’s "I was raped before and now I’m sensitive" story then I have some class A internet addresses for sale ... she put her ass crack in the path of doom. You play with fire you get burned and don’t come cry’en to papa when you feel like a cheep hoe ‘cause there’s a camera on ya.

No, I’m reserving "evil" this week for Jar Jar. He’s dangerous and the Sookies are starting to realize this... he may only be a danger to himself but still and all... you gotta watch you back when someone close by brings a skateboard to the Thailand jungle. Lol.

Eye Candy
Um... Well Erin got some screen time tonight and that boob job is gonna start looking plenty funny when she’s finished chewing through her body fat reserves and starts in on whatever tissue might be there.

Porno boy... he’s maybe not so bad... he’s a player and you can see it... and I’m guessing there are plenty of pictures of his little white ass out there so get ‘em while he’s hot.

Aliance
hahahaha... alliance by nature requires some social cohesion. There is none here yet... these people are having trouble wiping their butts... I’m thinking maybe Ma and Pa Kettle (Jan and Bilbo) are about the only team so far to be going to ground with a plan for the game... of course, they’re both nutty as fruitcakes so don’t count on that plan panning out any time soon.

The Out House
It’s the end of the line for Jed. The council of "get the fuck off my island" is a simple deal this week, with three votes tossed at Crouching Tiger (because she has a brain) and the rest going to Jed... because he does not. Dom Jeff doesn’t even give them a pep talk. He just sends them on their way.

I was hoping for a vicious exit speech from Jed and the look on his face said he wanted to deliver it (he walked away without a word) but alas... he wants to get an endorsement gig or something so he tried (and failed) to look good. (pretty hard in that stupid hat yo!)

Two things...
~ Ghandi... she is going to be big huge trouble... and Chewing Gum is prol’y gonna win everything for a few weeks so she’s going to be around long enough to be trouble.
~ I need to shave... um... ok, never mind... Porno boy was just reminding of something... hahahaha...
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