Survivor V : Update
Wherein the seeds of conflict are well and truly planted for the Sookies and the numb-skulls at Chewing Gum wander through life in their cave paradise. Someone gets wet, someone else gets lost, murder/suicide is discussed, there's a golf game, and Ghandi spends a little quality time considering a giant piece of meat.
Yo... it's only been five days... I eagerly await hardship of truly biblical proportions.
Epi Quick Hit : The Show in 100 words or less... or more.. or whatever!
The happy campers at Cave City are either lost in a jungle or playing games, while Sicko-sookie land is all about the next big argument. It’s just simmering over there. Ken is getting ready to blow (no, not like that, well, not yet) and the Three Amigos (Skater Boy, Naked Firefighter Chick and pretty-boy-Jed) are just begg’en for a beating (it’s coming...). They (sookie) win everything tonight while Chewy-gum just gets weird... Ghandi is doing the wanna-be hoe thang, they sing like they’ve been dead for a week, and oh, look... Tanya kinda looks like cannon fodder.
The Darwin Moment!
Opening shot of Tonya blowing her gasket again... but she’s thirsty, so the teachers head out to get water. Er... they get lost. Katie Clipboard (Helen) does the work and Ma Kettle (Jen) plays dead in the water. Jan and Helen head out to get water without the map and just sorta wing it...you know, travel to Thailand, get dumped on a strange island covered in snakes and act like yer average man behind the wheel of an American made automobile. They beach-out a few times and while Jan rests her two hundred year old bones at the boat Helen has to bring back the news that they’re at the wrong location... no water.
They finally ... Katie Clipboard finally finds the water... while Ma Kettle relaxes (she does this dead-body-floating-beside-boat thing). We got a good close up of her teeth and gums there and I’m thinking it sure looked plastic. I wonder if she was allowed to bring the Efferdent or if she has to use tree sap ta hold them in place.
"And again, Jan volunteers to stay with the boat." This would be Katie Clipboard talken on the big water hunt (see Darwin above)
"I think it’s gonna be a nice clear night dude!"... ahahahahaha... of course, this comes out of Jed to Skater-boy a few hours before the lighting strikes and monsoon winds kick in... (they, along with Steph - the Naked Firefighter girl) all elect to sleep on the beach for some very obscure reason... "I can’t sleep in that fort they built over there..." (again, Jed, who wakes up in the fort, btw).
"It’s one thing to be lazy...but Freak’en Lazy?" Yup... all those steroids Ken did in cop-school are gonna come out all over Jed soon.
"If I had a pistol I would have pulled it out and shot her [ma kettle] and then shot myself. That’s why I don’t carry a gun." Well the NRA will not be offering Helen any endorsement deals this winter. She was discussing with the camera how she felt while utterly lost on the big water adventure.
Most Memorable Moment
*S M U C K * and Jake takes one in face.. Ok... the reward challenge will get more attention in a minute but for now... Penny... mini-me Penny (she’s like 50 lbs soaking wet and something like 2 ½ feet tall) is on this "carry the pharaoh" chair thing directing blindfolded porters through an obstacle course. Damn if she just does not get the idea that what is directly in front of her is not what is directly in front the poor bastards walking with her throne on their shoulders beside her. She’s "forward, forward, forward" marching them along and rams Jake (the old’perv) right into a pole serving as a flag standard for the game... he’s checking his teeth and seeing stars behind his blindfold and she’s right back at it... "Left left left...".
Things are kinda cute in the land of the cave dwellers... Bilbo snores (that’s Clay, btw) and poor Tanya is still unable to actually consume anything... which is not boding well for her in this game... but the gang is loading up on shell fish, playing games, porno-boy plays his guitar, there’s golf, smiles, giggles... blah blah blah... PUKE! It’s all sweetness and light there so you can just bet this is the design of the S5 edit team... and that shit is around the corner.
Ghandia, who at one point suggests that she whip out her ample titties to distract the opposition in the next game is grasping at straws to actually be capable of serving a purpose on this team. We later see her reclining with her hand resting none-too-innocently on Ted (giant black guy)’s upper thigh. Um... you know there’s not morning after clinic out here with the snakes and pagan idols shuga!
They make a sweet moment out of wishing Katie Clipboard a happy anniversary (20 year) but go about it all secret like. When they come to surprise her with it her first comment is "are you about to vote me out?" haha... no honey, that’s next week. They sing to her... and, I'm sorry but they sounded really extra horrible.
Hmmm... well yeah... For every smile over in Chewing-Gum land, someone imagines decking someone else over here in the land of the soaking-wet-sookie. They can’t build a shelter worth shit... they built a great floor... fat lot of good that’s doing them. Jed and Steph are all over the hard work of walking around two corners to get water and stoking the fire... or (don’t wear yerself out there) frying up some cocoanuts... while the rest of the gang wears their hands raw on their dumb-ass housing project. I mean they need shelter but they seem to be doing something wrong... not like I could do it better but then again, I'm not in Thailand. Needless to say, tempers are all being held in a marginal check.
Jed, Rob (Skater Boy) and Steph all elect to sleep on the beach ... big mistake. The boys tuck in and head for the fort to get marginal shelter while Steph sleeps with her face in the wet sand... and ends up with a cold. I’m wondering how long her little self will hold out health wise. I mean, she’s tying her dingy to Rob and Jed... the two biggest losers since the Menendez brothers.
So the reward challenge is to carry the pharaoh around this course while blindfolded. Puking Tanya is the pharaoh for Chewing-Gum and Mini-me Penny is bark’en orders for Sookie. They have this amazingly close race but, even after ramming Jake into a pole, the Sookies still win. For their trouble they get a bunch of fishing equipment... hence more food... hence more strength... it’s a cycle baybee...
Now this one was tough... they had to populate a little lotus flower shaped raft and send one swimmer out at a time to retrieve these anchored floaties from afar to fit into the lotus flower shape. Another amazingly close race... and even though boobie girl (Erin - who is getting zero camera time... so her time must come later) slips and almost breaks her freaking neck, the Sookies win again... poor poor pitiful Chewing-gum is plenty bummed.
It’s all looking really bad for Jed over at Sookie land. The camera is not his friend and his sound bites are all bad. They are going to either lynch him soon or he will become the tribe bitch hard core.
Well ... no. Not yet... everybody is either 200 years old and looking just-back-from-dead or covered against the rain... Eye candy will come... There will be plenty of swimming based competitions.
Not looking too smart here yet... the sookies are kinda in a 5 against 2 thing but then skater boy was hang’en with his homies Jed and Steph but that was prol’y only to get close to Steph.
Jan is still ruling the roost, er... the Caves... She is calling the shots and I cannot imagine why they don’t fry her asap!
The Out House
Hi Jeff... he’s really enjoying this... the Chewies are back again and this time they fling Puking Tanya off the island to some much needed medical care and a burger. The thing is... well they are letting their votes fly around... Helen got a couple of votes tonight. These votes will come back to haunt her later... you know, during a tie when they count the votes you’ve received.
~ wohooo... the preview for next week makes it look a lot like there’s a bit of sex scandal with the wanna-be hoe and Monster Ted.
~ Please god... don’t let these idiots stay under the thumb of Ma Kettle... look where it got pa!