S5 Update!!!
Survivor V : Update
Jar Jar Brought a Skateboard!
Wherein we meet the new tribes... we swoon at the amazing game setting, and we are reminded that youth is most definitely wasted on the young. We also get to see - in glorious detail - a pretty young woman barf her dehydrated guts out.
And PS. Welcome to the first of the S5 updates!! I apologize in advance if any of the humour I choose to use cuts across boundaries of good taste, bigotry, sexism, or whatever... I especially apologize if I'm boring... *(yawn). If it's offensive... you can say so. I prol'y wont change but you're always welcome to express your opinion.
Epi Quick Hit : The Show in 100 words or less... or more.
That little evil bastard is back! Jeff (the dom with his own private helicopter) Probst - his name sounds like something that goes wrong with your gums - introduces 16 usual suspects to Thailand complete with awe inspiring geography, pagan idols, and best of all... monsoon season!
Big wup on the Twist! This years big twist is that the two geriatric cases get to pick their tribes… like school kids picking road hockey teams. They divide along lines that are sorta based on age versus beauty, but that turns out to be more like brawn versus brains. Then they hit the high seas in these gorgeous war canoes.
Tonight is all about finding camp, finding water, and apparently about how big an ass hole the goof with the skateboard can be. Ghandia chokes on the immunity challenge, but the losing team elects to huck the pastor off the dock first. Sorry, but the symbolism of Ghandi winning at the expense of God is just fantastic.
The Usual Suspects
Lets just take a second to review who's playing this game, okidoki? Jeff asks Jake and Jan to pick between sunset and sunrise (direction camps face).
Sook Jai
Jake: this old perv is a classic... he's all about "beautiful people" and "good bodies" (his words). Jake picks sunset and gets "easy access to water, and total shit for shelter". He picks a team of young guns and boobs to do battle in the Land of the Thai Stick.
Erin: last picked, and the stereotypical booby girl.
Stephanie: Firefighter girl that skinny dips on night one... need I say more?
Jed: Pretty boy, needs his nose broke. Actually, I think he's Luke Skywalker.
Shii Ann: four words... Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.
Penny: nothing... not yet.
Ken: hulky hunko burn'en flesh cop dude.
Robb: Jar Jar Binks... skater boy brought his fucking skateboard. Guaranteed to be a dick.
Chuay Gahn (sounded like Chewing Gum)
Jan: She's got "incontinence" written all over her. She picks a more considered team but ends up with the cliche foreign aide types, and human caricatures. The water hole is a freaking mile from camp, but camp is these kick ass caves.
Helen: Katie Clipboard...
Brian: Porno boy... stared in soft porn movies... "Hi I'm Buck... Buck Naked."
Ghandia: girls got issues...
Clay: little hobbit of a man... short, scruffy, glasses... I'm thinking Bilbo.
John: the pastor, but forget about him... his ass is grass day one.
Ted: big mutha fukka
Tanya: Cute as hell... 'specially with torrents of fluid shooting out of her mouth... twice.
The Darwin Moment!
Cluck cluck cluck... the Clucking Pastor. Yessiree... I wonder what he read that inspired him to strike out on his own, act aloof, and be an ass hole? Ghandi girl manages to totally blow a killer lead in the immunity challenge by virtue of pure stupidity and does not appear to be American Gladiator material, thus becoming the ideal candidate for a big heave ho and yet John still manages to get a resounding ass kicking. "Darwin v. God" and Darwin wins baybee... Dude thinks it's a well-advised plan to strike out on his own when they go searching for water. Atta boy... good team spirit. Then? He watches the stragglers swimming the last 100 meters to shore, instead of sending or taking out the boat - that he's reclining on. Topper? Plays a practical joke on his tribe mates about the water hole. Of course they voted his panty waste ass oughtta there!
Best Quotes
Well, Jar Jar gets this one... Skater Boy, the boy with chin stud and very very little mental acuity, tells the camera "We have all the hot chicks on our team." A skate board, and hot chicks... I can't wait to see the guy ravenously hungry.
Most Memorable Moment
Watching Ghandi choke... (see immunity challenge below!)
Immunity Challenge
Ok, Probst, the dom, shows up with the Immunity Idol... looks like he looted some temple and liberated some ancient hood ornament. The Jungle Kids have to paddle around this course, and solve little brain teasers or execute acts of strength at the checkpoints in this Capture The Flag game.
The Chewy Gum gang gets an early and significant lead mostly cause they can actually paddle a boat. The problems start when Ghandia has to solve this little "slide the squares around and free up the special square" puzzle... and she can't freaking do it. n'uh uh, nope, no can do. Even when she does, after watching the Brady Bunch paddle up, swim up, and solve it in seconds and split, she still can’t calm down enough to effectively remove the "special square". They loose hard and it's Ghandi's fault. There are several tears. (ar ar ar... tune in next time and watch Ghandi suck
Evil Do'er
This would have to be when skater boy picks an honest to god argument with Crouching Tiger girl in his frustration at not building a High Ranch 2800 square foot house on day one. They're all lashing together tree trunks and hacking away at bamboo as thick as yer leg trying to build a stilt house big 'nuf to house eight people and he goes ballistic on Shii Ann about god knows what...
Eye Candy
Well the naked girl (fire fighter girl skinny dipping at midnight) is kinda finding top seed in this round but then again, we hardly had much face time with these guys... give it time. There's plenty of eye candy in this cast... although one of them keeps barfing... There's plenty of beef, hell, we even have a male porn star. Yeah, we'll come back to this next time I'm sure.
Alliance
There isn't much here. We get some time with the Chewy Gum gang and their votes show that Jen has begun something of an alliance... As for the other guys, I'm guessing seven Sookies vs. Skater Boy any day now... although I can hear
The Out House
So the Chewies go to the Yatch Club... the council thing is in this shelter on a pier that looks like a Walt Disney style Yatch Club... The Dom rubs Ghandi's nose in her pitiful defeat for a while and then asks Porno Boy about judgments... and he (oh, the irony) comments on how shallow you must be to judge on appearances... (Is that a Crest White Strip in yer pocket there Buck?) Any ways, they put it down and Johnny Boy is late... as in The Late Pastor. If yer counting votes, clay and Ghandia got votes too... I don't think puker girl got any votes? That would be Tonya... btw.
Two things...
~ Helen is going to go far... as will Ken. (yeah, I'm guessing)
~ I kinda found my self hoping for the Chewies in the comp, 'specially when I saw Diaper Lady (jen) diving off the boat to complete the first brain teaser... She's showing off early to take some control.