Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless

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BB3 Update!!

BB3 Update: The Bar Mitzvah Singer

Attention, Attention: The following is a public service announcement.

Be advised that unfuckingbelievably stupid people are loose.
Stay in your homes. Lock your windows and for gods sake, keep your children safe. There is really nothing nice to say about these idiots. That being said...

Is payback a bitch? Or is that just Chiara?

In Brief
Busy two hour show! Lisa cries, Danielle schemes, Chiara pms’s like a pro, Danielle schemes, Amy postures a bunch and contemplates the unique color of the sky in her little world. Then the boys all wear speedo swim suits, Danielle schemes, Marcellas simpers, Sheryl Crow performs, Danielle schemes, Roddy plays the TOTAL MALE SLUT, Amy caves into plot pressure and noms Chiara and Roddy then implodes, and Gerry wins the Power of Veto – which he doesn’t use... And meanwhile, just to be different, Danielle schemes.

Some details?

Ok, so they held a few comps in the show...
The food comp was this deal with the boys putting on a speedo, to even the playing field? HA! If that was the case they’d have given the boys bikini tops to wear. The game was standing a phone booth with a fan that blew these coupons all over the place and ya had to grab the papers and stuff yerself like a stripper getting a butt-crack full of fivers. Get enough food coupons and the gang eats for your specific day. The cash collected could be used to buy something for someone on the outside... er... ok, obviously something cooked up to appeal to Gerry’s 25th anniversary. The house-mats pooled the collected cash and gave it gerry who bought his wife an Orange Tree .. whatever.

The luxury competition was this "run around the house and find the cd jewel cases" deal. It was lame... there was no "losing scenario" ... after they collected them they put together a puzzle of the cases that read "Sheryl Crow is in the backyard." What would happen if they couldn’t find one of the jewel cases? The kids had been asked to doll up for something special so they all dressed like hookers and johns. Sheryl must have been impressed.

The Veto Competition.. .hahaha... grease yerself up with baby oil and dive onto a "slippery yard slide" thing. Farthest "slide" without going over the line wins. EVERYONE wanted to win Veto big time. Marcellas and Danielle especially. And both of them reduced themselves to laughing by being so serious in their effort to throw their oil’ed up selves down the slide and blew it. Gerry... and I was really surprised that harpoons weren’t flying over the backyard wall every time he came near that slide, wins the deal.

Best Quote
Immediately after sucking up to Amy...
Chiara; "I hate Amy... I’ve always hated Amy."
Chiara; "Eric deserved it more than that little bitch."

Danielle, letting her hair down for a second, after losing the Veto comp to Gerry; "We should all be ashamed that the 51 year old fat ass won this game!"

Amy, in a typical moment of vacuous-ness; "If my trusting someone is why I get kicked out, then at least I’m the type of person that could trust someone." Holy shit girl... back from the dead and you are still having trouble realizing that you are playing a game for half a million American dollars. Backstabbing costs about $10 on the street... just imagine what $500,000 will get’cha.

Most Memorable Moment
Amy cannot clap... she may have actually had the clap several times, but she most definitely cannot actually slap those hands together. The scene at the beginning of the Sheryl Crow show gives us this long shot of the house-mats trying to dance in front of the stage... and besides Ms Crow getting to watch what must have appeared to be a bunch of escaped handicapped tomato pickers, we see Amy trying to clap... and ... um... well, she can’t really do it.

Best Bits from the Live Feeds
Ok, look. . . Marcellas is not a Harvard boy... we already know that but geezus. From the live feeds we get a glimpse of how screwed he really is;

M - Amy did i ever tell you what i was gonna name my son if i have a son?
A - No, what?
M - Huck
A - Awww, thats sweet
M - People will ask him whats Huck short for Huckleberry? No just Huck

Oh gawd, his poor kids...

Dumb stupid hose bag. Who? Take yer pick... come on. Lisa is a whimpering little tramp who is only too happy to do nasty stuff just so long as she gets to have a good cry afterwards. Oh and she manages to neck with the one person in the house that actually really fucked her up the ass, um, figuratively speaking that is...

Amy cannot actually do anything... let alone clap. On route to winning the head-girl title, each of the players emphatically tell her to "listen to marcellas". She’s excited about having head-girl status... so she can sleep in the HOH room with Marci-and-his-playground. She talks big about doing her "own thing" and, of course, does what Danielle wants her to do... nominate Roddy and Chiara. Everybody has to swear to Amy that they will vote for Chiara, because, as Amy points out several times... she has a 10 gallon hate on for Chiara. Oh, and at the nomination ritual she actually says "This has nothing to do with revenge..." and then cries a lot... er, well she actually started crying when she was picking the keys off the wall to go do the Nomination Box thing and was whimpering and sniffling all the way through the process. Definitely not someone to send out back at the farm when it’s time to put ol’yeller down. She listens to Marcellas... and nominates C and R but expects everyone to vote out C...hahaha.

Danielle? What can I say... the show presents her as this totally on the ball plot oriented chick... and the live feed transcripts tell me that everything is backfiring on her... oh, she’s still getting people to nominate and vote the way she wants but everybody has finally realized that they have been putty in her hands since the get-go and they are soooo gonna fry her booty before she gets the cash. I think she’s played the "I’m just a poor girl" story too hard.

WHAT THESE PEOPLE NEED IS A HOME TREPANING KIT!! Either that or there is some serious counseling required... otherwise Roddy’s ego is going to freaking explode out of his eye sockets, and that would be gross. After the Sheryl Crow commercial the live feeds record Roddy going mental over the idea that Sheryl was hot for him... "always had her eyes on me".

Need more? Roddy needs to talk to the Big Black Flamingo so he asks Marcellas to "come to the tub with me..." and Marcellas explains to the camera, "of course I’m going to go listen to him... with that perfect ass!" And what happens? Roddy lets Marci get to the pool first and walks up doing a little strip tease for Marci... who will now, no doubt, have another one of his wet dreams. He mentions (life feed) having had several since entering the house. ("entering the house" could be a good new gay slang term). Roddy talks game talk and gets the flamer to agree to a secret alliance. (wanker!)

Jason? Grab yer dick man... for gods sake! He’s in the kitchen doing dishes and the hoe biscuit and her friends start talking sex and lesbian kissing... which leads the drunken sailorettes to a point of actually having Chiara and Lisa kissing... tongues licking... the whole nine yards... (although they only show them sorta-kissing some cigar smoke between themselves on the show.) Any ways, Jason-and-his-Argo-Nuts comments that it was just too much for him and he had to get away. What a total pussy. I don’t really give a shit if he’s a virgin but is he a total idiot too?

Gerry, when he’s not doing his really stupid looking gorilla imitation, is basking in the anonymous glory of being insignificant. "Everyone is hoping to get to the end with Gerry so they can win against him." Um... ok, how many times do these people need to be belted in the face with the idea that stuff like that backfires??

Roddy will be fried on a stick tonight... no, I don’t know this, but I’m thinking it makes perfect sense. Oh and I am, generally speaking, really still pissed at the bunch of them for tossing Josh out when they could have kept his snivelly, skinny, white ass around to whip and have been rid of Roddy a week ago. If Roddy makes it through this eviction show I will have to kill something... it’ll most likely be an earwig... ‘cause we have plenty... but still.

They all talked about the necessity of voting for Roddy... then we get a bucket full of camera time on situations where they make noises about voting off Chiara... just enough to convince my now jaded self that Roddy will fry. Their efforts at misdirection - I hope - are lost on me!! (now picture me standing there with my baby finger in my mouth Dr. Evil style).

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