Survivor IV : The Final Update
Survivor or Savior?
Wherein the ultimate survivor is crowned after the "Rocks Have Spoken". The "dirty with religious fervor undeserving" walk with the prizes and that - only after a barrage of sanctimonious backstabbing. As has consistently been the case, the least deserving win, the most deserving are burned and we all end up shaking our collective heads.
Note: I'm bashing organized religion in here, so pass it by if you're likely to end up in a tizzy.
Epi Quick Hit : The Show in 100 words or less. . . or more… whatever!
Straight into an Immunity Challenge via a trivia game about the other survivors that leads directly to an Outhouse Vote - a tie vote. They can't solve it themselves so Jeff gives 'em a bag with three rocks. . . pick the purple one and your gone. Paschal goes, and then it's just the Dixie Chicks. They cluck about for a night and head off on the finally Immunity Challenge which is the now classic walk of the Dead, passing each Survivors name on a stick. Then, for good measure, they play out this lesbian fantasy deal smearing yellow goop all over each other and paint on fake tat's. Where's this leading? After much praying and speaking in tongues the three hens have to hold an idol . . . last one holding gets Immunity. Neleh's true colours come out as she corn-holes Kathy, who lets go by accident (thanks Nel) and we end up with Vecepia and the Beaver at the final jury.
The Darwin Moment!
Not one of the final four was worthy of the prize. . . not to me anyways. That being said, I cannot fathom how amazingly dumb Neleh is. At a critical moment in the whole deal she has to select between Kathy and Vecepia. When she picks Vecepia, she essentially kisses the money goodbye.
By far and away, the best quote of the night was from Jeff. He's doing something to Vecepia after the Dixie Chicks have gone through this "purification" ritual, and comments "you even smell good. That's a first." Dude! Can you image how rancid these guys must have been smelling?
Second best? Male Nurse John takes this one at the council meeting where Neleh picks V over Kathy. Jeff introduces the jury and points out that Paschal is not there. . . Seems he passed out just before the council meeting. Jeff calls on John to reassure the final players about Paschals condition. John says "He fainted on his feet but his numbers were good and he was speaking so we said a little prayer and sent him on his way." Now. . . I dunno about you, but I'd expect a little more from a freaking nurse than saying "a little prayer" if I passed out from Dehydration and Malnutrition. Paschal looked freaking inches away from having lunch with his grandparents towards the end. . . and the nurse only manages a prayer when he drops.
Most Memorable Moment
Other than the incident with Kathy pissing on Johns hand early on in the show, the final immunity challenge will go down (for me) as one of the top memorable moments from the whole series. You can tell me that Neleh was being all little miss nice and genuinely concerned for Kathy's boobage display but I'm not buying it. Neleh's a hoe and the secret porn vids will eventually come to the net. After holding on to the post for - what? - three hours, after Kathy's been leaning over showing boob to the rocks (versus any cameras) Neleh decides to say "er, watch your blouse". . . and Kathy looks down, moves one hand to adjust her top and slips off the post. Jeff had to caution Kathy to not walk too close to Neleh when she limped away. . . I was sure Kathy was going to insert her foot into Nelehs miniature ass and I think Jeff was too.
Tribe? What tribe. . . after a random rock selection burns Paschal. . . we're left with the three dips. Nothing tribal about them. . .
Immunity Challenge #1
So the show starts with four players. . . Paschal, Neleh, Vecepia and Kathy. They play this trivia game asking them questions about the other survivors. You know, like "Who was the 1997 National Watermelon Seed spitting champ?" (gina) or "Who's necklace is this?"
It's pretty straight forward but V pulls ahead at the last moment and wins. So the four of them immediately vote. oops, wait. . . not before Jeff brings in the jury and Kathy and V make a deal. Kathy expects to be able to huddle in secret to wheel and deal but Jeff puts the squish on that. V agrees to not vote Kathy out if Kathy agrees the same. Essentially they say (out loud) that they are going to vote Neleh out. . . (that's Helen backwards btw). Jeff asks Neleh how she feels just to get a sound bite of her voice quivering with suppressed tears. . . (nice!)
Soo. . . the vote ends up tied. . . Paschal and Neleh vote for Kathy and Kathy and V vote for Neleh. Jeff gives each a chance to defend themselves. . . this does not good at all. An-den? Out comes a little bag with three rocks in it. Two yellow and one purple. Kathy, Paschal and Neleh have to reach in a pick. Loser-boy Paschal draws the purple rock and falls dead. Well that's what it looked like, but he was only hamming it up. He's toast. . . Jeff has the balls to say "the tribe has spoken" but we know it was the rocks doing all the talking.
Immunity Challenge #2
Well that night the girls are all proud of themselves except Neleh is feeling all hard done by via the idea that she is the one the other two girls wanted out. So in typically girl fashion they all put on fake faces and make nice with each other. . . (LOL).
Jeff wakes 'em up at 3:00am and makes 'em get their crap together for the next challenge. . . this time they have to assemble an outrigger canoe (the crew must have been feeling lazy) and paddle out to some other beach. . . find this alter and worship pagan gods. . . well, not quite. But they go to an outpost and paint themselves in "marcasian tattoos" and then on to another place and slather this yellow crud all over each other to be "purified". . .. (what a crock, sorry. . . but it's just sooo lame!). They really get into this but once again. . . it's really freaking lame.
After the tat session the final challenge emerges. . . They go on the now classic walk of names through exotic landscapes passing little standards with the names of the kicked out survivors (in order) for little memory moments. It's worth noting that, upon review, it really does not pay to be attractive in these games. . . all the pretty boiz and girlz got nailed in a row. . . Hunter, Sarah, Gabriel, Gina. . .
Finally, they are to stand around holding this post and keeping their feet on some spot. . . three points of contact. Last one in position wins immunity and gets to select who will be in the final two.
Now, let me tell you. . . this all sounds well and good, but there was not a single segment of the day that did not include either Neleh or Vecepia initiating a prayer session. . . I mean, it got old fast. These two girls are all seriously into their god-loving status yet . . . well we'll get there.
The 'stand at the post' challenge continues for freaking hours. . . this is where Neleh screws Kathy with the "check your blouse" comment.
So much for my hopes and prayers that the "yellow goop" was some kind of bug attractor that would have seen them holding the post with a swarm of bugs crawling all over them. . .
Kathy falls off and as soon as it's clear that Kathy is not going to rend Neleh's flesh from her bones Vecepia chirps up with "So Neleh, if you promise to pick me, I'll let go and we can be done." NICE!!! So the deal you (Vecepia) had with Kathy was worth what? She goes on to explain. . . several times, in fact, that it's ok to lie and cheat because she can go and ask the person she screwed for forgiveness and count on god to forgive her too. .
Talk about a parable for the entire problem with Organized Religion. Go ahead, wipe out entire civilizations. . . kill everything. . . god will forgive you if you ask nicely. This moment in itself closes the door on any sense that Vecepia deserves to win squat and loads her up with every other idiot zealot that uses god as an excuse for bad manners and a total lack of morals. I mean, I don't expect anyone on this show to be "morally clean" and win. . . it's a competition to Outwit, etc. . . forget morals. . . there's a million bucks at stake. (ps. For a million bucks Robert Redford can bang me till I'm limping, forget about Demi Moore ).
Vecepia lets go after 4 hours and 31 minutes and Neleh gets immunity. They go to council and the jury is introduced. . . This is where we are told about Paschal passing out. . . Neleh goes and votes for Vecepia to be her final-two partner. . . therefore ensuring - to my mind - that Neleh will not win the cash. Jeff say's "see ya" to Kathy and the two religious zealots get to spend a night and a day together before they face the jury.
Ye-haw. . . Tammy gets up first to speak. . . and just blows off on V for being such an untrustworthy, lying, backstabbing bitch. It was great.
The other jurors do their thing;
Sean praises the girls,
Rob tell's them he doesn't think either of them should win. . . har har..
Zoe praises them. . .
Paschal praises them. . .
Kathy (who is just steaming mad at V) diss's 'em.
John asks why he should vote for either of them. . . and insults them along the way.
Neleh keeps saying "oh my heck" and then goes on to invent another word when she say's "I tried to be loving and provide upliftment to all." ?? huh? Oh, and she manages to say "That sucks" . . . for which she will no doubt say several hail marry's.
Then they VOTE! The only highlight is Sean doing a Dr. Evil impersonation and begging Vecepia for cash if she wins. Jeff grabs the vote box and splits in a copter.
New York City, Central Park
So it's like what? 6 months later. Kathy looks like a million bucks, and Neleh looks really strange. . . she's wearing this black lip outliner that makes her lips look way odd.
Jeff pulls out the vote box and reads 'em out. . . and Vecepia is pronounced the big winner.
Note; During the "reunion show" with Rosie O'Donnel she announces that all of the survivors win a free Saturn SUV.
Brought to you by the DM fan club of me:
~ every week I've been including that little ditty at the end about "the DM fan club". I've been doing that because I wanted to draw some attention to a special woman. DawnMarie has been a relative icon in on-line friend circles for years now. Just this year she was victimized in a very physical and terrible way. She came through that event in a way that demonstrated true class and exceptional style. She's has earned a great deal of respect in my eyes and I wanted to share that notion.
~ This whole Survivor Update deal has been a fun experience for me. Every time I read "I can't wait for Corto's update" in someone's journal, or read the amazing and insightful comments and discussions that grew in the threads of the updates I was elated and given renewed inspiration to keep this stuff up. . . I am certainly not suggesting that this was "good writing" but it sure was fun. Thanks so very much for your support and interest. See you next time when Survivor goes to Thailand.